Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
