Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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