The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
