Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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