3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
