at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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