I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh god it's open bar.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
