My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
