My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
