We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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