i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
