I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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