i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
