8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
