Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
