i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
