Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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