you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I deserve this hangover.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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