I just saw a hot homeless man
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
