I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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