dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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