apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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