and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
