Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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