Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dicks are not precious.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
