all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
