"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize