I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
