My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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