Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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