i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
