She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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