Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
