I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
