Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
