Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
