i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
