I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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