weddingsv make me drug and hornr
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
