I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
