i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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