The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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