I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
