i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
