i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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