I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
