I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
