My Higher Power is John Stamos
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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