If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
