OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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