True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
