i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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