If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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