Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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