i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
