and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Randomize
