All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
