I wish I could teleport
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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