How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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