If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
