Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
