i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
